(This might be long, but this is the only way to express my feelings)
(lazy to put colours)
Another normal schooling day.. I was extremely sleepy today but i still had to deal with school.Sometimes I just wish i died or fainted in school. Well, that's not the point of this post.
As always, I brought my phone to school. Everyday waiting for 'his' msg to greet me in the morning.
Every single msg from him will really cheer me up. Even a single " yes ". Cuz when he replies, I knw that he is fine and not in any danger. Though at the same time I do get pissed when he replies One-Word answers. e.g : " En , Ya , Oh etc. " .
He had started working this year so its really hard for us to communicate.
Come to think of it, we don't really communicate that much.
Its always the same questions and answers, now, I even knw what he would say even before he replies. It's like talking to myself.
It does get boring sometimes. But I guess I just have to deal with it.
I want to know more about him! but sumhow, I feel as though he wouldn't let me to.
It feels like he is pushing me away from his life or doesn't want me to enter it.
(Not to say that I think that he doesnt feel I exist in his life.)
You can say he's a very selfish person, he never likes to share.
but I couldnt blame him. Im not that much of a difference either.
I've ask him of sharing it with me before and why doesnt he like to talk about his problems.
He said he doesnt want me to worry.
To me, thats just stupid.
I have been trying to tell him " Im ur gf. What am I here for? Im not just for show. We're suppose to be couples, we should be sharing our feelings, thoughts and helping each other out. " but I just wouldnt dare.
I dont want to bring up problems. I dont like to make the atmosphere cloudy.
Sometimes, I just feel as though we're not couples at all. I dont know him that well , neither does he knw me that well.
Sometimes I even feel we're better off as friends.
When I need help, when I'm sad or angry.
He doesnt cheer me up.
Instead, he just totally ignore me and changes the topic.
I use to tell him about it but he would just tell me his story abt the same problem.
Usually, in the end, its the other way around, I had to cheer him up or it turns to a fight!
That really made me sad so I didnt really bother about telling him how I feel anymore.
Mybe he's trying to make me forget? Maybe he is trying to cheer me up but he's jz not good at it? I dont know.
So I just couldnt jump to conclusions and saying that he's useless.
I do wish that sometimes he would ask " How are you? " like a normal friend.
I do miss the days when we we're just friends, the days when he was "chasing" me.
I miss the first day we met too. It was embarrasing but I was actually really happy.
I did some really stupid stuff that day.
But it was the first time I seen someone get so worried for me.
That made me really really happy.
Owh~how I miss that day.
I wish that day would just keep on replaying.
I do feel he still cares for me alot.
It shows sometimes but its really seldom.
Sometimes I still feel that he loves me and so do I.
Although he says it most of the nites.
Sometimes I just wish he wouldn't say it cuz it would mean nothing sooner or later if he keeps saying it.
I like it when my bf gives me a supprise by saying " I LOVE YOU ". Which girl wouldnt want that. It's just so romantic.
He use to do that but...... I guess things have changed?
Thats d only way he knows how to show me his love?
Some of my friends notice dat he is nt treating me tat well.
They asked me to let go.
But I just couldnt!
I let go once (regretted) but I just couldnt control myself to wanting him back BADLY!
I cried in d nights for him!
Even though he doesn't treat me that well.
There's like a string tied to my heart with his heart.
It's like we're ment to be together but I cant confirm that yet.
It's really hard to put this feeling in words but its a very pleasant feeling.
For example, other people might think that this is stupid, but to me, it means something.
Last night (15/1/10)
It was already 11.04 p.m, he still hasn't msg me to tell me he's done.
I was worried so I msged him first.
Then a msg came less than a sec " Baby... "
I was actually feeling very wierd.
Why did he replied the same thing as I just sent?
And I was a little angry cuz he was free and he did not find me.
Then I just asked him what he was doing.
Neither that I knw, I didn send the first msg to him.
He actually sent a msg to me 1st saying the same thing.
Deja Vu, It's like we're having the same thoughts and mind.
Sometimes, he randomly tells me that he misses me.
At the same moment, I was really missing him too.
It's like our hearts are really connected.
I don't really know how to express these but I hope you'll know what I mean.
Obviously, Jealousy and stuff like that occurs.
So I might misunderstand but I always think before I act. (not blowing my own trumpet here)
But that shows that I care. Right?
I knw that he doesnt treat me that well, friends have told me about it too.
Even he knows it himself.
I know that its hard for him to change.
With a life like his. I didnt want to give anymore trouble. I dont want to be a burden.
I just wanted to solve it.
He's not good with words.
He doesn't know how to express his feelings.
I have the same problems that he has too.
Therefore, I understand.
There are still certain ups about him. I guess that's what's pulling me to him.
He might not be romantic.
He's not the Mr.dreamy or Prince charming that Im looking for.
But hey, nobody's perfect right?
He and me, we have a totally different personalities.
He talks alot, but I dont. I rather be quiet.
But I had to talk or else it would be really boring and dates would turn into disasters.
I talk more on sms, he doesnt.
I dont like hanging out late night, he likes it.
I like to sleep early, he sleeps late.
etc etc.
But like what some people say
"opposite attracts " right?
It's proven by scientist so I believe it. Lolx
The relationship between a guy n a girl is like a magnet.
I also do believe in faith.
Now, I am really affraid of losing him.
He is a treasure to me.
He ment everything in my life to me.
I wonder if he feels the same way as I do.
Thats all for today.
Its really 'early' in the morning now.
Guess I should go to bed.
I really miss him T.T
I'll be really happy if he reads this. XD
16/1/10 - 1.59 a.m
<3 Joline
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